Often, people come to see me because they are in immediate crisis or because they are going through some significant transitions in their lives. In the course of conversation, we will often talk about what I sometimes refer to as their support network – those people who are ‘there’ for them, who love them without condition, who care deeply about them, who challenge them, who stand by them and walk with them.

Most times, people will share with me a list of people on whom they can rely and they speak fondly of them – spouses or partners who are doing all they can to help, parents who are doing their best to understand, siblings who keep in regular touch even though their own lives may be stressed to the max, friends who drop everything and show up to help out. Some talk about how praying and believing in a Power greater than their own is also a source of support and comfort.

Not infrequently, however, people in crisis or major transition, will share stories of how they have been surprised both positively and negatively by some of those with whom they are in relationship.


  by  Pranav Prakash
 
Jenny came to see me. Her 16 year old son had been diagnosed with cancer about 8 months ago. He had just finished his chemotherapy treatments. She was exhausted. She had been going on auto pilot for the last year. She talked about many things including her network of wonderfully supportive people and then she said, but some of my friends really surprised me. Two of them dropped off the face of the earth, made little or no contact, showed little or no concern or interest, but another friend, who was really only a distant acquaintance until Robbie got sick, stepped up to the plate and bent over backwards to help me…strange, she said.

Not so strange, I said, and not that uncommon. People can surprise us both positively and negatively, especially at those crucial times in our lives.

Steve had been married for 12 years. For the last 5 years, the marriage had been rocky at best. He and his wife separated six months ago. Most of his support network said, ‘very sorry to hear what has happened, let me know what you need and I will be there.’ But some were a bit judgmental – ‘you got married too young, are you sure you couldn’t have worked harder at it.’ His Aunt, whom he had been very close to growing up, said, ‘divorce is just too easy these days’ Steve said, those comments, from my so-called friends and family hurt a lot. And yet, he continued, there was my buddy Frank, hadn’t heard from him in over a year and one day there is a letter in the mail with a cheque enclosed and a note. The note said, sorry to hear about your separation, use the money in whatever way helps…

Relationships are not always what they seem. Sometimes, especially when life goes sideways for whatever reason, we can be surprised by who is there for us and who may not be.

How do we manage that? Simple really, in theory at least! Keep close, the people we need, and draw some lines, keep at a distance even, those whose presence, words, actions are not helpful.
Always easier said than done but if we really want to look after ourselves when life is difficult and even when it isn’t; if we want to live lives of authenticity and integrity – being true to ourselves – then we need to nurture those relationships that sustain us and are there for us along life’s journey, and we may need to keep at a distance, perhaps even, in some cases, let go of those relationships that are fair weather or at their worst toxic to our lives.

Being a Spiritual person, I pray about those things. For me, that is a help – not that a voice out of the sky tells me what to do (that’s never happened to me!), but more because it is another ‘place’ to which I can turn with my thoughts, hopes, anxieties, etc.,
In ways that I do not necessarily understand, that helps me – helps me with my struggles, helps me figure out what to do. Helps me figure out who to take with me as I travel on down the road of my life and who perhaps to leave behind.

Bio:
John Dowds, Chaplain with the City of Edmonton

John is Chaplain to the City of Edmonton employees and their families. His responsibilities include short term counseling in areas of spirituality, accumulative and critical incident stress, grief, relationships and work place issues.

Before beginning with the City in 2006, John was, for 24 years, a Minister in churches in Prince Edward Island, Ontario and Alberta. When asked about his work, he indicates that although it can be particularly demanding at times, it is a gift and a privilege that people, often when they are at their most vulnerable, will share with him some of their story and allow him to enter into their lives.

John and his wife have a blended family of seven adult children and two grandchildren. Individually and together they teach him many things about the nature and challenges of relationships for the next gens.
John can be reached at john.dowds@edmonton.ca

Disclaimer

NextGen Speaks Out, our guest blogging series, is envisioned as a hub for information and discussion. NextGen is a non-political, non-denominational organization focused on giving all nextgeners a voice. NextGen does not represent the opinions expressed by the individual columnists.