I’m working with a lovely couple who are having the same problems many couples have. Wilma doesn’t feel like she get her needs met and gets hurt, angry and critical. Her husband, Fred feeling criticized and attacked, gets defensive and either withdraws or lashes out angrily – both of which do nothing but add fuel to the fire.

Fred and Wilma came in for a few sessions and after a while they both agreed that they felt like they were “hamsters running around the same old treadmill, over and over again, blaming each other.” I told them that it’s worse than that. They aren’t just cute hamsters running along side one other, getting themselves tired and then ready for bed after a long hamster day together. They have become…

ZOMBIE HAMSTERS!

Image reprinted with the Author’s Permission by  Jorma McCracken on February 8, 2012

They have gotten to the point that they are looking for ways to hurt each other on the treadmill, taking bites out of each other because they each feel hurt, victimized and entitled to counter-attack.

Not only are these two hamsters actually getting nowhere, they are running for their lives in a hamster-eat-hamster world.

In my practice, I see this dynamic every day. And not even the best relationship is exempt from this pitfall. After 7 years, my wife and I face the same challenge: being aware of our pattern of blaming the other for our own unhappiness.

It is only through recognizing this pitfall that we can stay out of the zombie nightmare.

So easily, we can turn our wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend/partner, into the enemy. We do this to the person we say that we are committed to, that we say we love more than anybody else. It seems that the person we vowed to love “till death do we part” becomes the person we try to make wrong, get the upper hand on, beat in an argument, prove that they have no clue what they’re talking about, show them that they are irrational, emotionally inept, misinformed, and above all, stupid.

I said earlier that this is a lovely couple. This is true to me because, despite their undead, cannibalistic tendencies, they have the ability to see their own mistakes, own them and get off the blame wheel.

In our session, Wilma and Fred were both able to see how they had been blaming the other for their unhappiness and committed to look at themselves instead. Ending blame is such an important element in a relationship, that without it, a relationships is eventually eaten away. In looking at their own faults, foibles, imperfections instead of their spouse’s Fred and Wilma begin to see each other in the same imperfect boat as they are.

How does one begin? Simple… stop blaming.

Blame perpetuates itself. When one person feels attacked what do they do? They attack back. When blame is added to what is initially a simple relationship problem, the result is a slow and steady withdrawal of love. And the result of this is a slow and steady build up of resentment, sadness and pain.

What to do instead? Simply state how you feel when your partner does whatever…and state your feelings only.

“I feel angry, sad, disappointed, frustrated, betrayed etc. There is no blame or attack in this. Instead of blaming your partner, you are now giving them information that they can respond to without needing to get defensive.

If my wife says that she’s angry about something, she is allowed to be, even though I might not understand why. I don’t need to understand one hundred percent. Fifty percent is good enough. And if she sticks to stating feelings without blaming me, I have a fighting chance to listen without getting defensive and saying that she’s wrong for getting angry.

Like most things, this takes practice.

And relationships need more than avoiding blame to blossom, but in my opinion, this is a pitfall that many couples fall into quite unnecessarily. With a little effort, and perhaps some help many of us can get out of the zombie hamster apocalypse and learn to have more enjoyable and happier relationships.

Bio:
David Solazzo
David grew up in New York City and was told that he was a “healer” at a very early age. At the time, he didn’t really believe it. On a varied and winding career path that led him to Alaska, San Francisco, Seattle and Japan, a life changing realization occurred when he visited a friend who was working as a mechanical engineer. Perceiving how unhappy and stressed the staff in the office was, working in front of computers with little human interaction, he suddenly knew that he couldn’t do “that”. He knew that his job, in this life, was to help others with their jobs, their relationships, their fears and struggles… to help people through their lives in whatever way he could. He knew that helping and healing people WAS his primary calling and, since then, has devoted his life to just that.
 
David received his Master’s Degree in Social Work in New York City in 2002. Deciding that Edmonton was a much better place to live (that’s a long story he’d be glad to share with you) he moved there and began working at AADAC. After several years working with people with addictions/substance abuse issues he developed and expertise in working with people with depression, anxiety, high levels of stress and men and women with relationship issues. After 15 years of working with people in a healing capacity, continuous education and commitment to self-growth, David has developed a solid background in many techniques with fancy names. But you probably won’t care about those. What you will probably care about and appreciate is David’s kind and warm-hearted spirit, his skill in engaging, and his ability to be present in the midst of fears and doubts. At this point, this work is no longer “work” … it is a privilege and a sincere honour.
 
David lives in Edmonton with his wife and continues to laugh and travel as much as possible. He blogs periodically on his website http://www.davidsolazzo.ca and he tweets from @DavidSolazzo

Disclaimer
NextGen Speaks Out, our guest blogging series, is envisioned as a hub for information and discussion. NextGen is a non-political, non-denominational organization focused on giving all nextgeners a voice. NextGen does not represent the opinions expressed by the individual columnists.